Friday, 30 June 2017

IF THE CAP FITS

IF THE CAP FITS




There was a group of Americans down in St. Jean Cap Ferrat doing the Alphabet Tour.
It was Friday. Friday was France. Saturday was Spain and Sunday was Sicily. Thursday had been The U.K., which I thought was pushing it a bit, but they didn’t seem to mind. Monday would be Malta. I was slightly worried about Tuesday and Wednesday but they assured me with some excitement that the former was To Be Announced and the latter was Wherever. It was an Adventure Tour. They actually thought they were in Cap d’Antibes but the tour operator had muddled up the two Caps, an easy mistake since both locations have luxury hotels of the same name, so they were being shuffled up and down the coast in an overly large coach which was contributing dramatically to the snarling up of the already snarled traffic all along the Corniche. They didn’t seem to mind that either. You got better pictures that way, apparently.
We had been slightly worried about turning up at the Party of the Year in a dusty rented Fiat Punto smelling of stale tobacco and, by now, splattered with road kill - albeit of the six-legged winged variety. Himself wanted to put it through a car wash but I demurred. Let them think we had just driven up from a Safari, said I. Much more glamorous. I also pointed out that it was 8.00 pm which left us precisely half an hour to get showered, dressed, made-up and out the door.
There was a little note attached to an exquisite flower arrangement in our room welcoming us and informing us that we would be picked up in front of the hotel at 8.15.  Right.  Good news bad news. Saved from the dirty Fiat dilemma, at least.
We scrub up something lovely the pair of us after a lifetime of doing it against the clock, but it does require a good twenty minutes to achieve the required effect. Twenty-five if a bow tie is involved, which of course it was. Wrestling a bow tie single-handedly into submission is not something Himself has ever managed to achieve during his lifetime and it is invariably presented to me with a request for assistance just when I have two finger nails left to varnish. Purple. To match the toes.  I do hope you have been following. We are nothing if not colour co-ordinated. Or anal, as some would have it. There is nothing I can do about that: I belong to a generation which still matches its accessories. When I remember to pack them.
We shot out of the hotel lift and through the revolving glass doors in the manner of a brace of dervishes on their way to the carnival.
There were a dozen or so extraordinarily elegant couples standing in the forecourt checking their Audemars Piguets as we tumbled out at their feet. The men were all uniformly dressed in impeccably tailored white dinner jackets, the ladies in full length ball gowns and drooling with jewels. I regretted having omitted to pack a wonderful diamond cuff which a friend  had bought me from the local street market in Rome just before we left. I endeavoured, none too successfully since it was required for balance, to keep my left hand – the one carrying the uncoordinated handbag - out of sight behind my back whilst shaking hands with my right. I was making insignificant small talk in three and a bit languages about the weather and the non-appearance of the minibus when this sleek, highly polished black Rolls came purring to a halt at our feet and a sleek, highly polished, colour co-ordinated driver stepped out, consulted his list and read out our names. Leaving the rest of them standing there wondering who the hell we were. We smiled apologetically to the waiting hopefuls and slid gracefully into the padded leather upholstery. Awfully sorry.
Well, how were they to know our surname begins with an  A?


Bet the Americans would have twigged it, though. Americans are hot on things like that.



(...and don't forget there are more Ambassadress Trying to Behave episodes in